What to Do When Your Kids Fight

Psychologists used to advise parents to stay out of sibling conflicts, thinking that this helped kids learn how to solve problems by themselves. But starting in the late 1990s, research began to suggest that this approach largely backfires. When left to their own devices, siblings rarely resolve conflicts respectfully and constructively; often, the older or more dominant child "wins" through strength or coercion, leaving the other child deflated and angry. Research suggests that siblings who are left to resolve conflicts on their own use compromise or reconciliation only 12 percent of the time. Ultimately, these experiences can teach kids that coercion and bullying are the best ways to resolve conflict — not exactly the conclusion you want them to draw.

This doesn't mean, however, that parents should "arbitrate" sibling fights, either. For instance, I shouldn't storm into the room and demand that my 8-year-old hand his little sister the toy flashlight because I've decided he's been hogging it, which I absolutely did not do a few weeks ago. There are several reasons you shouldn't play judge and arbiter: First, you won't always know who's "right" and who's "wrong"; second, even when you do, the minute you take one child's side over the other, the losing child feels a sense of resentment that degrades the sibling relationship and fuels further conflict. "The kid who won feels like 'I won, and Mom loves me better,' and the other kid feels like 'I lost — wait till I get my hands around my sibling's neck," Dr. Markham said.

Research now suggests that the best way for parents to intervene is to act as mediator — not to decide who's right or wrong or how the conflict should be resolved, but to instead stay calm, treat siblings equally and help them answer these questions themselves. "Slow it down and help them hear each other, as opposed to deciding how it's going to end," Dr. Recchia explained.

This typically involves four steps:

1) Lay down ground rules that prevent further fighting as the issue is being worked out. Obtain consent to move forward. You two sound so upset! We're going to take some deep breaths, and I'm going to take the bear you're fighting over and put it up on the cabinet. Then we'll talk about this, with no interrupting. O.K.?

2) Ask each sibling to describe what happened, and identify points of contention and common ground. So you both agree that Connor was playing with the bear. Jayden says he asked for a turn, but Connor, you said you didn't hear him? Which made Jayden feel frustrated, because he thought you were ignoring him, and then he hit you.

3) Foster mutual understanding and empathy between the siblings by encouraging them to discuss their feelings and asking each child to repeat what the other said. So Connor, why did Jayden say he got so mad? Jayden, why did Connor start yelling when you hit him?

4) Help the siblings brainstorm solutions to the problem (and if their ideas are far-fetched, try to rein them in). What are some ways you two could fix this? What could you do differently next time? Hmm, but if we buy 600 more of these bears so you never have to share, what might happen?

DO OUR KIDS EVER FIGHT